Samantha Spittle 0:00
Thank you so much for sharing your expertise today.

Becky Upchurch 0:03
And thank you for having me.

Samantha Spittle 0:05
I remember, yeah, well, you know, I figure, January's the perfect month for the shame trigger of body image and appearance, because you're new, you change your body. And I just my husband and I were just talking like, we got Chick fil A. And the first thing I said was like, I feel like I should have made a better choice, but I just wanted the chicken and the French fries. And that he said, Well, it's that time of year I go, Yeah, but so was the summer, the summer was that time of year, and that this was that time of year. And so then when January rolls around, that's really the good time of year that we buckled down. And, you know, then we get into Beachbody, get your body beach ready and all that crap. And

Becky Upchurch 0:49
one of my memes is the one that's like, dear summer, you will take whatever body I bring you love me. And I'm like, exactly,

Samantha Spittle 0:57
exactly, because everybody is a Beachbody, because everybody could go to the beach. So I have to tell myself that. But I want to jump into your brain, I want you to share all of your wisdom, because as a coach, and you know, mindset being your thing. And we talked on our pre interview about, you know, having a unique mindset when it comes to body image and whatnot. And so I'd love to hear more about that from you. And then also what I've been thinking of is because we're thinking of combating these messages in the new year and change, everything has changed, change, change. My personal question, and I imagine I'm not alone is getting to a healthy place Now regardless of weight, and size and health and things like that. And being able to be happy, confident, all those things regardless. So that's kind of where my mindset is, but I would love to go, I'm on this journey with you. So I'd love to hear some of your mindset. So jump in and start and tell us like I said, kind of who you are and why you have this unique perspective.

Becky Upchurch 2:06
All right. Um, so who I am, I mean, that's, I feel like that's always the million dollar question. sonically, professionally, I'm a clarity and mindset coach, and trainer and speaker. Personally, I'm somebody who tries to be a good human, and to help people make their lives better. And I'm a dog, mom, and all that fun stuff. I think for me, one of the reasons that I have become so passionate about body image is I feel like I've done a lot of learning in the past few years around things like intuitive eating and Health at Every Size. And I'm certainly not an expert, but I got a oddly during the pandemic, I got into podcasts for the first time, I was never really somebody who listened to podcasts. And I was like, Where has this been my whole life, like, Oh, this is like what everybody else in the world had been doing. And some of the podcasts I got into were around, like diet and health and wellness. But it was interesting. I don't remember how I stumbled onto it. But there was a podcast. It's called dieticians unplugged, and it's not an active podcast anymore, but they have a ton of episodes. And it's these two dieticians who are in larger bodies. And their focus is not on weight loss, and it's on health. And they talk a lot about, you know, research around weight and health and the relationship between those two things. And I feel like a lot of where they're podcasts has led me to through different experts they have that I've now followed and other things that I found just a lot of new perspectives, because I feel like I grew up kind of conflating weight and health, even though I know from personal experience, those two things are not necessarily associated with each other, per se. And I'll tell you a funny story about that. If you remind me to tell you that that scary story, and I don't want to delve into that right now because then I'll get off on a squirrel tangent but yeah, so the reason I'm so passionate about this is because I feel like I I'm in my 40s and I'm learning things that I'm like, Why didn't I know this? 20 years ago? Why didn't I know this? 30 years ago? Why didn't I know this before I spent like more than half of my life dieting and trying to change my body, not realizing like the harm I was probably doing not only to my body and to my health but to my mental well being and self esteem and and what I was modeling for other people. And so I'm kind of in this place now, where when I see people who are struggling with body image issues, it's like I have this. It's like a weird reaction that is simultaneously like sadness and empathy for the space that they are in because I know it so well. And then also just frustration and anger that they're in that space and that We as a society, and I think specifically with women, it's like we have normalized this so much that no matter like, I feel like you can take a woman and whether she's in a larger body or a smaller body or a stereotypical fit body, I guarantee you, she can tell you everything that's wrong with her body. And to me, that's just like, absolutely heartbreaking. And I remember reading something, I think it was like a couple years ago. And again, you know, these things that come up on social media that just kind of hit you, right where it hurts. And it was something to the effect of like, if, you know, women spend as much time doing, you know, whatever it was, as much time doing this as they did trying to change their bodies, like, they could solve all the problems of the world. It's like, we can cure world hunger. And we could, like, you know, but it's like, when you really think about it, like how much time and energy. I know, for me, like how much time and energy in my life have I spent counting calories, entering information into apps to tell me how much more I can eat or whether I need to exercise? And it's like, oh, my gosh, how much of my life? Just have I wasted? Yeah, on things that have gotten me nowhere. And so I'm fortunate in, you know, I think this is true of a lot of people who work in the coaching industry. I think sometimes when you're a coach, you seek out the wisdom of other coaches, you work with other coaches. And I've been very fortunate to get perspective from other people as well, because, you know, I feel like none of nobody's journey is a journey of themselves. It's a journey of everybody who's around them.

Samantha Spittle 6:43
Oh, that's so good. No, one's journey is a journey of themselves. It's a but as you say, it's a journey with

Becky Upchurch 6:49
everybody around them.

Samantha Spittle 6:50
Gosh, that's so good. So good.

Becky Upchurch 6:54
But I think I think that's, you know, part of, like, when I think about my own growth experience, it's like, I can look at people and be like, Oh, I learned this from this person, or this person model this for me, you know, and so I think it's, it's hard when people like, you know, wanted to talk about your expertise. And it's like, well, all of our expertise is built on other people's expertise. It's, I tell people all the time, there's nothing new in the world. It's just, there's a collection of knowledge. And we learn it at different times from different people just described, like

Samantha Spittle 7:22
flushing it out, like my, my thing with flushing it out, where I'm like, I want to take everyone stuff and be like, here, because I get so much from people. And it's like, it's too much for me to try to, like pass on. So it's like, yes, and then you have I mean, that's the beauty of connection, because then you're listening to those podcasts. And then you can kind of filter through kind of the nuggets, so that someone else who listens to this can get those nuggets in a collection. So I think that's the secret to community. And, you know, right, what we're all doing,

Becky Upchurch 7:53
you know, I always tell people like cuz I work, I've worked with men, but I market specifically to women. You know what I tell people all the time, I feel like women collectively, if they put their time and energy to it, it's like, there's nothing that we can't achieve. And so I think that's also part of the frustration when I see people, it's like, they get sidetracked on where they feel like they're lacking or where they feel like they're not measuring up to some standard that it's really kind of arbitrary and created by people who didn't necessarily have any expertise. So it's like, I don't even care what they have to say. And so I think the thing that I kind of, you know, it took me I feel like my whole life to figure out, and even though my lived experience kind of told me otherwise, I think many of us have this idea that like, Oh, if I just hit this weight goal, or I just hit this fitness goal, then it's like, the thing is going to happen, even if we can't articulate what the thing is, it's just like, life will just magically get better. It's like, oh, there's like the heavens will open up. And as somebody who, you know, years ago, I was in a larger body, and then I lost 75 pounds. And like, do certain things change? Yes, I think some of that is because we live in a society that is very fat phobic, unfortunately. But it's like, you just find new things to not like you find new things to pick apart about yourself. Yeah. Because again, I feel like we're socialized to find flaws. We're socialized. to not look at ourselves and be like, Oh, I look really good today. Because you know, God forbid you be arrogant. I'm also just in terms of, you know, that question of like, who am I? I'm somewhat of a rebel. I feel like there's this part of me I get it from my my father, who is just kind of, you know, has a little onry streak in me. And so I think some of it is just rebellion that I feel like women are taught like, you know, to make their body smaller. I think it was the we can do hard things podcasts. I think that an enjoyable Talking about, you know, women are taught to stay small, stay small, stay small, and then include their physical being, it's like, there's so much pressure to like, stay small, don't use your voice don't, you know, and how counterproductive that is to like achieving things in the world and making a contribution. And so really having the realization that we spend all of this time and energy on kind of the wrong things, and it keeps us from doing the right things, and we're focused on the wrong things, because we think it's going to give us something that's not ever coming. It's like, oh, I want to lose weight, so that I can like myself. And again, you know, through the benefit of having worked with other coaches, you know, there's a coach that I follow, and she talks about, it's like, but what if you could just like yourself now? Like, what if you gave yourself all of the other crap? And the answer is, you can.

Samantha Spittle 10:59
Yes, that is like that Is it because for my personal journey, I've also lost weight gained weight, you know, lost weight gained weight, and similar to you, like big chunks of weight two times in my life, big chunks of weight, left, kept it off for a few years, you know, kind of slowly came on, and then I think fast came on, and especially the last two years, and it's like, all these Facebook memories keep popping up. Now that I have Facebook, you know, the first time it was real pictures I had to look through, but now Facebook has journeyed with me over the last, you know, 12 years. And pictures pop up, and I look and I'm like, Oh, my gosh, you know, I'm 80 pounds less there than I am now probably. And I remember thinking all the negative thoughts in those pictures. And, and I'm grateful for these, these pictures that keep popping up, because I saw the pattern where it was like, every single picture. I remember taking the picture and fearing, you know, worrying about what I looked like, and, you know, being critical and all this stuff. And so, here I am, again, you know, an hour, I'm at the heaviest I've been and it's like, I want to feel healthy, I want to get up off the couch. Like without struggling, you know, that's like a fitness thing. But I don't want to hate my taking pictures, I don't want to avoid living my life. I don't want to immediately, you know, when I look at it think Oh, because that I'm gonna I know now that I'm going to have that feeling. If I lose the weight, you know, for maybe a little while, I'll say I'll be on that high. But all event, you know, but I'll be right back down to those thoughts. So how do we get there now? Like, how can we move towards that healthy mindset now without focusing on the stuff that we know is not going to get us there? Yeah.

Becky Upchurch 12:45
And I think that that's the million dollar question. And I am gonna answer that, in my experience and to the best. But I think that's that's kind of where that unique perspective comes in. I was having a conversation with a friend the other day who was trying to lose weight. And I, you know, they made a joke about because I said, Well, maybe you need to get an accountability partner, they were talking about something they were going through. And then later they said something to me about, oh, maybe you need an accountability partner. And I said, Well, I'm not trying to lose weight. They were joking around about something else. But it was an interesting conversation, because I think people automatically assume, and this is why I say I think it this somewhat makes me unique, is I think most people see people in larger bodies, and they assume oh, that person is probably trying to lose weight. Because that's just what we do. And it's the idea that at the end of the day, and I'll kind of go over this it it's it's a coaching model that is very common among coaches, different people frame it different ways. But it's the idea that our experience is shaped by the thoughts that we choose to have. So the idea that something happens, and we choose how we want to think about that I always like to use the example of somebody getting fired from their job. Because I think it's really easy to be like, Oh, that's a terrible situation like that would happen. And of course, I'm gonna have negative thoughts about it. Well, not necessarily, like you and I could work the same company and we could both get fired on the same day or laid off on the same day. And I could leave being like, this is the worst news ever. I don't know what I'm going to do. And then that thought is going to create feelings of despair and fear and scarcity. And then those feelings then cause me to act in certain ways. And then those actions lead me to a result. You may be having a very different experience because you might get laid off and think I have been waiting for a sign that it was time to leave this job and I just received the sign you know, thank you, God universe. Now I know it's time for me to start my own business. The sign I wanted is here, my feeling is I'm excited, I'm confident, I'm feeling ready, that's going to drive certain actions, that's going to give me certain results. So it's the idea that what happens to us is not the determiner of our result. It's how we choose to think about what's happening. And so again, this model is called different things by different people. But it's the idea that you your thought leads to your feeling, which leads to your actions, which leads to the result that you create for yourself. So with something like weight loss, looking at it as if my thought is constantly I need to lose weight. What does that creating for me? Or if I'm looking in the mirror thinking, I hate my body? What kind of feelings is that going to create? For me? I know, in my personal experience, that has never brought me any positive feelings. It's always made me feel bad about myself. I felt like I'm not attractive. I'm not good enough? Well, when you feel that you're unattractive, when you feel like you're not good enough, when you feel like there is something wrong with you. What kind of action does that lead to? Does it lead to choices that are good for your health? Does it lead you to things that make you feel good? Does it lead you to showing up as your best self and community with others? Generally, those you know, negative, crappy thoughts are going to lead to negative crappy outcomes. But if I can choose to think more positive things about myself, then that's going to shift not just what I'm thinking, but it's going to shift how I'm feeling about myself, the actions I'm taking and the results I'm getting. So that's kind of a very, very simple way to explain what is actually a very complex coaching model that can be used in a lot of different ways. But I think that's important to just kind of frame the conversation.

Samantha Spittle 16:54
Yeah, no, I like that. I was writing down that the thoughts, the feelings, it's, it's one of those things that I feel like we see it's a quote us we see on, you know, Instagram, social media, like our thoughts determine our feelings, terminal actions, results. So it's like, it's one of those things. It's the classic like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that makes sense. But where do we go with that? Because when you were talking, and we can, I want to throw this out, but we can put a pin in it too, is that I started thinking of my own journey and thinking, okay, in the past, and like I said, I feel like I've only really lost weight twice, sort of a third, I lost a little bit a couple years ago, when I thought I was starting to gain and kind of reeled it in. It was that like, Oh, I got like in a positive mindset, and then I started to see results. And that led me to feeling better. So I was thinking, I applied everything that you just described to my previous weight loss journey. So it feels like a success. But something was off, though, because that didn't last you know, it kind of when I was in that zone of positivity, it was working. But why is it then when I saw these pictures pop up on Facebook, I remember that day feeling so horrible. So and it's been something's not true in there. So. And it's because

Becky Upchurch 18:10
we're thinking that the circumstance of Oh, I'm getting a smaller body, or my weight is the thing that's causing the thought. And it's actually not its work, we can choose to think whatever we want to think. And this is the part where then again, this gets a little bit more in depth, but it's the idea of, I can look at my body, and I can choose whatever thought I want to choose about my current body. Which seems a little crazy, if you're somebody who's used to looking in the mirror and thinking I hate my body. So stay with me for a second.

Samantha Spittle 18:44
I know, take me on this journey.

Becky Upchurch 18:46
Take me on this journey. So this is I'm going to rewind for a second because I don't know if you're someone who does affirmations. And if anybody is listening to this, and loves affirmations, stay through the whole thing. Don't just like, stop as soon as I say this first part and get offended and upset. But a long time ago, I hated affirmations. And the reason I hated them is because I loved them in theory, because they sounded amazing. Like you just practice these words, and then they come true. And I was like, This is so amazing. And I'm seeing all these people that are like, I do affirmations every morning, and now my life is amazing. And it's like really, because I do affirmations that I still feel like crap. And so it was like, I felt like why is this like working for other people? It doesn't work for me. And it was a point of frustration. And then I realized it was because I would like pick, you know, random affirmations that were other people so they weren't personalized. And then I had this epiphany again, working with a coach on something kind of related but and they were talking about the idea of taking baby steps because a lot of times what we do when we tried to shift our perspective, is we try to shift our perspective from like all the way on this side to all the way up The size and the way that our brains are wired, I just don't think that that's possible. Because if you're like, if I've spent 20 years looking in the mirror and thinking, I hate my fat body, and I start practicing, I love my fat body every day, my brain, every time I say those words is going to be like, No, you don't know they're a liar, that I'm never going to be able to move forward. But if I can go to a place of neutrality, and again, this is something, there's a coach, Carlo Antheil, she's from a different type of coaching background, she's a very well known coach, and she talks about, she's had a lot of success, she does a lot of work with body confidence, and she's a woman who lives in a larger body, and that she would, you know, say something like, this is a human stomach. Now, that was her neutral thought, something like that might not resonate with me, like, for me, it would be something like I think when I first started working on like, body image thoughts, I think I started with something to the effect of like, some people find people in larger bodies attractive or something like that. And it's really kind of taking that extreme of like, larger bodies are terrible, and like, what's the next little baby step forward? That I can say, and my brain is like, oh, yeah, I can believe that. Because even if, in my mind, I think I'm not attractive, because I'm in a larger body, I can be like, but you know, what, there have been guys who like my larger body, or I have, you know, friends in larger bodies who are attractive, and you know, whatever, or they're celebrities and larger bodies who are famous and successful and well liked, you know, so it's like, what is it something that I can believe and get behind? Okay, well, that's the thought that I'm going to practice. That's the thing that I'm going to ingrain in my mind to move me a little bit further away from them really negative thought and a little bit closer, that positive one.

Samantha Spittle 22:08
I think that's such a huge thing. It feels so small, baby step you know thing but you know, it's funny because my background with you know, being in you know, entrepreneurship and sales and you know, anything where you have to hustle on your own. It's all so much mindset work. And so I feel similar journey with affirmations like, I know, they're good, but it's like going from how do I go from if I'm being honest, like I struggle I have is like hating my body, you know, I want to be like this positive person that has you know, but at the end of the day, I struggle a lot with some internal stuff. And so to go from that, hate to I love my pot, it just like that is not working. So I love the practical tip to the baby steps. And I can't think what it's called. But I got another it was about affirmations. But it said, instead of making this statement, you ask yourself a question like, why am I like when you're trying to celebrate the things that you like about yourself? Or that you are working towards those baby steps? It's like, you ask a question. Like, why do I mean, I don't think this is right. I have to like, research it more. But it's like, Why do I appreciate my body today? And your brain starts filling in to answer those questions, because your brain likes, you know, things to be complete. And that helped me like, I feel like it's along the same lines of baby steps where it's, you know, instead of it being something huge, where you automatically shut down, it's just, you know, how can we get to those little, little steps to move us. So I think that's a really powerful tip.

Becky Upchurch 23:38
And I love that you touched on the fact that the baby steps don't feel like you're doing very much because this is something that comes up a lot, and not just in body image. And I talk about this all the time, I was just talking about this last weekend, I do a Saturday morning mindset room on clubhouse. And one of the things that comes up a lot is people get stuck. I'm stuck on my goals, how do I move forward, or I don't know how to get traction on this thing, I have this plan. And I always tell them, look, make it as small as possible so that you can actually do it. And then that's how you do it. And then you keep doing it. And that's how you move forward. And with something like this, it's easy to say, oh, I want to feel better. I want to love my body. But I remember years ago, a friend of mine who had struggled with his weight, his approach to weight loss, which I now have kind of commandeered and have applied to like other areas of my life, not weight loss. You know, His thing was if it took me you know, 30 years to gain all this weight, it's not going to take me three days to lose it. And it's the same kind of concept. If I've been telling myself if I have, you know, spent 2030 years learning to hate my body. Unfortunately, I'm not going to learn to love it in a week. Right? It is gonna take time, but the best way to invest that time is through those baby steps as opposed to like I'm trying to believe Things I don't believe I'm fighting with my brain. And, you know, our brains look for evidence of like you were saying, it's like, our brain likes to close the loop. So if I'm like, my body's terrible, or people in larger bodies are not attractive, I'm going to look for proof that that's true, as opposed to, you know, if I'm believing something that's more positive, it's like, oh, if I want to tell my brain, like, there are women in larger bodies that are in great relationships, or there are women in larger bodies who are fashion models, well, I can find evidence of those things, you know, so whatever kind of that trigger is, because I know for some people, it's not just about oh, I don't like my body, it's, I don't like my body, because I think it will affect, you know, whether I can be in a romantic relationship, or whether my partner is still attracted to me. Or it might be, I don't want to be in a larger body. Because in my peer group, I don't want to be the larger person, or I feel like it's going to impact me in my work. So I feel like there's so many other things that we attached to our physical appearance, not even necessarily just the size of our body. And I think that's another reason that I'm so kind of passionate about this, because I think there's a lot of I don't think there's truth to those things. But I think there are some real fears at play. Because if I'm somebody who looks around and says, Oh, I look at what it's like to live in a larger body, if somebody lived in a smaller body in a larger body and has had different experiences, you know, for example, with medical professionals, where it's assumed that if you're in a larger body, you're less healthy. And I always love to kind of share and I'll share the story. I mentioned it earlier the sprit story, because I think it's such a perfect example. So when I was at my smallest adult weight, I feel like I've lost about 75 pounds. And I feel like people you know, would say like how good I loved and give me such positive affirmation. Because I think the assumption is, oh, you're in a smaller body. So you are making healthier choices for yourself.

Samantha Spittle 27:14
And you must be that all your products are solved. So we're gonna celebrate that.

Becky Upchurch 27:19
Yeah, my life is great. Yeah, everything's wonderful. And I just remember one night going home from work. And I was, you know, calorie counting to lose weight because I was like, oh, it's all math equation. I'm good at math. And I remember going home and I think I have like 600 calories left for the day that I can eat. And I remember I'm a sugar person, I'll be a sweets. I love sweets. Anybody who knows me knows like, I eat candy. Like it's my job. Sometimes. It's it's my downfall. But so I got home, and I love spree candy. And so I would have like boxes of free candy in my house. And I sat down and I happen to know how many calories were in spree candy. So I counted out 600 calories worth of spree candy and put them in a bowl and ate them for dinner. Without hesitation, without question about is this a healthy choice? And just the fact that my mindset was so much on, I just have to hit the number. So I can be in this smaller body. It wasn't about is this healthy? What is the impact this is having on my health on my team? My blood sugar levels. Right, and I look back and I think about like that period of time. And I'm trying to remember like it honestly, I struggled to remember if I ever eat a vegetable,

Samantha Spittle 28:47
other than

Becky Upchurch 28:48
like potatoes. And so to me to look back on that and think wow, like when I was in my smallest ever adult body, I can remember eating candy for dinner. And I struggled to remember eating vegetables. And yet, like I can think about like being at my largest adult weight and eating vegetables every day, and getting out and walking for an hour, an hour and a half. You know. So I think just the idea of as I've gotten older realizing that a lot of the stereotypical learning. I'm trying to unlearn because I think there's a lot of misinformation out there. And again, I'm certainly not an expert on, you know, health. But I like I follow a lot of you know, dieticians and intuitive eating counselors and you know, people who work in the fields where they're talking about there is research around, you know, you can be in a larger body and still make healthy choices because I think sometimes we make the assumption that if somebody is in a larger body, they don't know how to make healthy choices or they don't choose to do things for their health. And, you know, I know I I used to run. And I remember when I first got into running, and I was, you know, in a fairly large body, and I was in running groups with women who were well over 200 pounds who were marathon runners. And, you know, so for somebody to say like, Oh, you, you can't necessarily do all of these things. Because I think that's part of it too, is there's this narrative that many of us have that because I look a certain way or because I'm at a certain body weight. I can't do certain things, or I'm limited in my choices. And certainly, sometimes that's true if there's like health situations at play. But just because somebody is in a larger body doesn't mean they can don't exercise, it doesn't mean they don't even vegetables, it doesn't mean. So I think just a lot of that stigma that's at play is always a source of frustration for me. And so I That's why I tell stories like the spray story. I feel like I've, this is the first time I will have shared it publicly. But I've had, you know, conversations with people where I've shared that story, because it to me, that is like the perfect analogy for like, you can be doing things to shrink your body because you think it's going to make you feel better. And there are things that are terrible for your health. And how many of us get to that point where it's like, we're so hyper focused on the physical appearance, we're so hyper focused on that goal that we think is going to create that magic that we don't take the time to think

Samantha Spittle 31:37
exactly. And you brought up a couple things that made me think so one, you said, you know, I'm no expert. And I think yes, there's people that specialize in all these things, that if we're ready to dig deeper, that's a great place to go. But what I love about touching on all these shame triggers, though, is that people, there's so much stuff that we carry around, you know, this crap, basically, and especially when it comes to our body image and appearance, and it's the lived experience, and that if you're willing to speak on it, like there's a difference, I think between you know, the expert advice and things like that, and those can be great tidbits. I mean, obviously, that's great education, and that helps all of us. And I want to, you know, dig into that too. But I think just having some of the real like this free story, like, those are the kinds of things that, you know, for me, I, when I was younger, I counted, like carbs, that was for me, like when I was in high school, I was very, you know, I've got this many left. And then when I did it, the second time I thought I was in, I think I was in a healthier space of like eating and just kind of Whole Foods and whatnot. So it's funny because you have your sprit story. And for me I have this struggle with complimenting people's bodies, because I don't want to encourage this stuff. And my mom had said something that actually really helped my perspective, we had a family friend who had lost weight. And she said, you know, she was at an event with her, and everyone was complimenting her. And my mom said, you know, I told her I, I thought she looked great, before she lost the weight. And you know, she looks great now. And it's something that I didn't realize, I'm so grateful. My mom said that because even though I still struggle with my weight, and my body image and all that stuff. I think like I just think of her saying that is like a genuine thing that she looks great before. And I know I've said that to friends, but it's like, why can't I internalize that for myself? So your tips of like, the baby steps is so important. But I remember when I was in high school, and I lost weight, and of course I'm 17 at the time, so I want the complements and stuff, you know, so I go when that's any age, right? So I go to my parents hometown in South Dakota. And of course, you know, I'm like, 17 just dropped 50 pounds, like feeling amazing. Yeah, look at me. And I remember, you know, either if people didn't really come, I mean, they didn't really care if I lost weight or not. They only saw me once a year, they're not really that worried about my body. So I remember, someone didn't say anything. And they laughed, and my mom said, you know, so and so asked if you're sick, like if you had cancer, something and I was like, why would they think that? Like, why didn't they tell me how good I looked? I mean, I didn't say that out loud. But internally, I was thinking, and I thought, oh my god, like, I'm so obsessed with my weight. You know, I forget that people struggle, that there could be a million reasons why and that they did me such a favor by not complimenting me because, you know, regarding if I had something that's a whole other layer of things, but yeah, if I had been sick and Oh, you look great. It's like, thanks. I have, you know, an eating disorder and you're just pumping up and I'm learning so much about, you know, I think that for me, eating disorders, it's anorexia and bulimia, that's all and I'm not anorexic or bulimic, so I don't have an eating disorder. And the more I've looked that's why I like that term disordered eating because I'm like, Oh yeah, I definitely think of foods as good or bad, you know, how much is of this and all of that. And so I'm like, here, I thought, like, Oh, I'm immune to all those problems, I don't have those problems. I'm just emotional, like, or I'm just, you know, going through a hard season or something. But it's like, no, there's definitely more going on there. So those are like, those random tidbits that just kind of weave through our life and kind of, I don't know, kind of become the lessons, but also sometimes the lifelines to give us those moments of like, hope or awareness, you know, I didn't realize at the time that those were really solid, you know, with the could it be cut tied to my health, and then my mom's, you know, look good at any size, like, those two things have just stuck with me. And even though like I said, I struggle, I kind of almost use them as anchors to like, pull me back to where I want to be like that healthy mindset I want to have.

Becky Upchurch 35:57
Well, first of all, I love your mom to say that. And yeah, I I'm very, sometimes I feel a little bit of guilt. Because when people are celebrating weight loss, and people are like, Oh, you look so good. I'm the person who's not saying anything. Because to me, it's just not in integrity, with my beliefs to champion someone's weight loss. You know, that said, like, you know, I'm a coach, and I work with clients. And sometimes people want to lose weight, it's not up to me to decide what their goals are. So I'm going to support them. And, you know, certainly if they ask for my opinion, or, you know, I'm happy to share thinking but like, I had one of my, I think my first ever unsolicited testimonial was from a client who was talking about how I helped her change her life. And it was because she had like, health and fitness goals, which was great. And I think part of that, you know, may have been weight loss, I can't remember, it's been, you know, years now. But, um, you know, there's always kind of that part that like, pulls on my heartstrings of like, What, you don't have to lose weight, like you can love yourself now. Um, and I think that's the thing, just having, you know, because it's something where it can feel so far away. And I want to preface this by saying, like, I am not saying like, I am the epitome of like, body confidence. And I don't have body issues, like, I will always have body issues. Like, because I started having body issues. I mean, I remember being a child, and there was a member of my family who every time we would go to visit their first question. And I mean, from the time I was like, I want to say elementary school, like a small child, and just a little chubby, how's your diet don't? You know, so this has been ingrained in me for a very long time from various places, including my own brain. And so I feel like there will always be work there, there will always be space for growth. And so I share that, because I think it's important for people to realize that like, just because those feelings are still there, doesn't mean you can't, that you can't make progress, or that you haven't made progress. Sometimes it's like we like fall back into old patterns. And then we're like, Oh, see, I'm still broken, or, you know, and that's not how it works. Um, that said, I think, you know, really kind of committing to, you know, if I want to change my mindset with where I am right now, and I want to commit to, you know, finding thoughts that I can practice to help me build my confidence, and finding ways to look for evidence that people in larger bodies are more, you know, are attractive, or, you know, just as desirable or whatever it is, you know, one of the pieces of advice that I had gotten was cultivate your social media feed, and look at who's in your social media feed. And one of the things that I had in my social media feed, because I've, you know, been into yoga since I was in my late teens, early 20s. I had a lot of people who did yoga in my social media feed that I had just discovered from various places, not people that I know people in real life who are yoga teachers, but these were just internet people that I'd come across or whatever. And I remember going through and thinking these are all people in very small bodies. And yeah, what message is that subliminally sending me and so I went through and I cultivated on purpose, like certain things in my social media feed. If you don't follow Lizzo I highly I mean, if you want to talk about somebody who is like body confident, like you would not believe litho

Samantha Spittle 39:35
I did the same thing. I've been intentionally cultivating healthier, more diverse. I love what you say how you say, larger bodies, you know, I'm in a larger body, because I've been struggling with that with how to not demonize, you know,

Becky Upchurch 39:56
and finding what is that specific thought that's gonna To help you kind of build that confidence like, and it's really tapping into when I'm practicing whatever that baby step thought is getting in touch with what is the feeling that it's bringing up in me. And being able to dig into is that the feeling that's going to help me to take the actions and create the things I want to create, and feel more confident and better about myself. And I love that you mentioned the reel, because I just saw on the other day, it was the same thing, it was a woman in a much larger body than the man who was with her. And it's like, you know, her piece says, like, something about being heavy. And then his says he likes to lift heavy things. Like he likes her up and carries her. But that's something as well that I think that actually has also been part of my journey is just, you know, I feel like growing up and I was joking around with this recently, with a friend of mine, growing up, I feel like it was like kind of ingrained in my brain through society and the things you see on movies and TV about, like, you know, men love than women and men love women who look a certain way and and then I started like, as I would get older, and I would like was in the dating realm, and guys would comment on things, it was so fascinating to me, because the things that men would comment on the most about me, were like things about my body that I liked the least like my hips, and my butt. And it became kind of a running joke. And I joke around all the time, but I'm like, there are very few men that I've met in my life who don't like a woman with a big old booty. And so even sometimes, that can be the thought, like, a lot of man, like, wonder like, you know, there's

Samantha Spittle 41:46
in the last, you know, however many years, you know, thick, thighs and butts have been glorified more, which I'm like, thank goodness, because I spent my 10 years in the 90s. And that's when the low rise jeans were there. I mean, no matter how thin I am, I will never, I mean, I could wear low dry jeans, because I can wear whatever I want. But I the way they were worn in the 90s, where they were just above your pelvic, you know, area. It's a that wasn't happening for me. So of course, it's like failure failure. But I look back and I'm like, Oh my gosh, if more of the body images that were portrayed today were portrayed, then I wonder how I would have felt about myself, you know, I wonder what could have changed, and it's not too late to change. You know, just because I've had these for, you know, almost 40 years, it doesn't mean that we can't shift the thoughts.

Becky Upchurch 42:40
And I won't say to anybody who was kind of like listening and thinking like, I just don't see it happening. Like, if you had told me like five years ago that we would be having this conversation or that I would like. So I had an experience, probably like a year, year and a half ago. And it is hilarious to me. I don't remember where I was going or what I was doing that I was in the bathroom. And I went to leave and I turned to the side. I think it was like drying my hands. And I turned to the side it was a mirror. And so I could see like my side view from the mirror. And I just remember looking at myself in the mirror and literally saying to myself, wow, my ass

Samantha Spittle 43:18
look. Yeah, yes, yes. Yes.

Becky Upchurch 43:21
Like, and in that moment, it was like,

Samantha Spittle 43:24
I had a positive thought about myself.

Becky Upchurch 43:28
Like I literally just looked at him was like, Ooh, look at my button was so good. And I was laughing because I ended up I think, like, a couple days later, I was in a networking group. And I was telling people that story. Because at the time I said to the group of people, I said, I guarantee you I'm probably the largest person in this room. And I said, and I'm probably the only one who's looked in the mirror anytime recently, and thought about how great their butt looked. And everyone was pretty much like yeah, you know, and just having that realization that like, and it was something I never would have thought but again, I think it was it was the byproduct of practicing that acceptance and practicing the thoughts that helped me to like, see the positives, and to be open to the fact that like, oh, I don't have to have like a little tiny but like, I can embrace the way that I look and the fact that you know, even though I have kind of these this years and years of you know, different perspective that my perspective can in fact shift. And trust me if that can happen for me. I feel like it can happen.

Samantha Spittle 44:37
And you I love that you shared that because you shared something in the beginning about we have normalized the conversation about criticizing our body, you get any group of women together, and the way they can bond is by criticizing their body. And I think that you meant when we mentioned cultivating our our social media feed. It's starts to change that conversation. And I think for me, it's like hearing you say, when we had our pre interview, you talked about, you know, being in a group of women and that the women in the smaller bodies were complaining, and you felt you realized, and correct me if this isn't exactly because it's just how I remember that. But it was like, you realized you had so much more body confidence than they did. Because of the the issues. And it's like, I think there's this part, at least for me, where it's like, if you can have body confidence being in a larger body Lizzo can have competence being in a larger body, like, I can have confidence in a larger on it. And it's like a gift, I mean, without sounding corny, like the gift that keeps on giving. But I think honestly, it's like, instead of passing around this toxic hate for our body, and you know, where that it becomes normalized to always criticize, like, what if we normalize saying nice things about her body. And I think I've told this story before, but I went on a bachelorette like beach week when I was, you know, this is like, early 20s. But my friend whose wedding it was her and her girlfriends had this rule. And they called it brown cow, I don't know why. But it was a rule that if you criticized your body in some way, you had to buy everyone around to drinks and me being a poor, you know, broke person, like that wasn't going to happen. And it's like, I get high, like, one of my big coping mechanisms is self deprecating humor. And I thought, Oh, I'm just making a joke, because I feel tension inside. And if I just make a joke about my body, I'll feel better. And I realized after that week, and of course, I have not followed this. But I wanted to make so many negative comments about my body, but I couldn't, because I didn't want to buy drinks. And after a couple days, it was like, Oh, we're sitting on the beach. I'm being totally critical about my body. I'm looking at all the flaws. I'm, you know, everything, but I'm not allowed to talk about it. And the weirdest thing started happening. Like, I got up and I walked to the beach. And I didn't tell anyone how insecure I was. I didn't, I just did it. And I remember thinking like, Could you imagine if life was like this, if I could just live in this body? And this was it? I did I hold on to that lesson.

Becky Upchurch 47:17
Exactly. From that feeling back, it's, it's interesting, because I was actually at the gym the other day, and I was in the locker room, I'd gone to the pool. And so I was in the locker room, and I was changing. And I always have kind of a, it's always an interesting, like, it's like an internal dialogue with myself. Because, you know, I feel like when you're in public spaces I am I try to be mindful of other people and other people's comfort levels, especially if they have like children with them, etc, etc. But I had this moment where I thought about, like, what if we were all just very confident in our appearance, and not feeling shame around our bodies and not feeling like, you know, we have to like cover up every inch of ourselves. And then even like walking to the pool, we have to make sure we're wrapped up in a towel, like one of the things that I do, it's very strange. But I don't actually go into the pool area with a towel, I leave the towel in the locker, like I have like a shower towel, I don't have like a towel that I use after the pool. And so I am walking into the pool

Samantha Spittle 48:23
and out of just in your bathing suit covered. It's

Becky Upchurch 48:26
just in my bathing suit. And I think for a lot of people that would probably be super, super uncomfortable. But that's like a perfect example of like a baby step to help normalize just becoming comfortable with your own body. And I will share. Hopefully, if any of my siblings are listening to this, hopefully they won't tell my mother because she'll be like, wait, what? So years ago, I was invited. I was part of a women's group and I was invited to go to this spa. And it was a spa where part of the spa you're dressed and then part of the spa, you are in a women's only area where you are actually not allowed to wear clothing. And I remember when I first heard about it, I was like yeah, that's not something I'm doing. Which is interesting, because I've never really had issues around nudity. I think it was more I had issues with my own body and nudity, and strangers and people that knew me and I don't want them to like see me and judge me etc, etc. Anyway, I was part of this this community and so I was included in this event. And I remember going and it was like such a fascinating experience. Because the people I was with there was such a body diversity and such a diversity of backgrounds and perspectives. And it just it really helped me to feel comfortable and I remember the first time I went to the pool after that. It was like I was walking through the pool area like shoulders back, like head up, and I was wearing a bathing suit. But it was like, you know, if I could be in like the naked play like that I can be in this bathing suit. And it was like the most confident I'd ever felt in a bathing suit. And mind you, I grew up as a swimmer as a kid. So I spent a lot of my life in a bathing suit. But it was like such a fascinating experience, to kind of like push me out of my comfort zone to help me feel comfortable. And again, everybody's comfort zone is different. Everything that's gonna push you out is different. But yeah, I would say like, if you're somebody who's like, I don't even like walking in my bathing suit without being wrapped in a towel, or I don't even like to swim in a pool without swim shorts or a tank top, take that first step, right, take the swim shorts off just wear like a normal swim bottom, like, whatever it is, that's gonna get you there. But I think you'd be surprised if you're willing to put yourself a little bit out of your comfort zone. What that can actually use for you.

Samantha Spittle 50:59
I was who, you know, if you're listening, then I was like, flipping out. Because the story you just told, I could tell the exact same story. I went to spa world with some BFF. And it was after I'd had my son, which was at my then heaviest, but I'm heavier now. But my then heaviest, and exactly what I love now. And so I, we were going for a girls day one had been and I was like, I'm going to do it. It's so outside of my comfort zone. And I was uncomfortable the whole time, not unsafe, uncomfortable, just you know, like out of like, oh my gosh is so you know, I felt so awkward. But after that, putting a bathing suit on, like being able to cover part of my body, I was like, Oh my gosh, I will go anywhere in a bathing suit. But yet, once again, lost, lost that because At my heaviest, you know, I'm naked. After that. I'm feeling like I can wear a bathing suit, I have this body confidence that I start losing weight, I get down to my thinnest and what did I wear all those years, a swim skirt. Because you know, my thighs. And it's like, what the hell and then I you know, swim leggings. But it actually is a sun thing too. I do like to be covered because my legs but I went to the beach this summer, and I just wore just the bathing suit, no skirt, no nothing. And I walked to the ocean and I was sharing it with my husband. And the other couple we were with, when the kids were off playing, I was like, that was a big deal. For me, I was like, I was telling them how everything in my head was, you know, be who you need when you're younger and just own it. And I had to give myself this whole pep talk. But I did it. And that was just so like, I have got to work this crap out now, because I've already proven myself that it doesn't magically go away, like, so I was just

Becky Upchurch 52:55
gonna say I'd love you saying, you know, like, looking thinking about you know, if you have if you're somebody listening who has children or children in your life, or even just, you know, who you kind of want to be in the world and how you want to show up and, and model for others. And that was kind of what was going through my mind. The other day when I was in the locker room at the gym was you know, how many of the little kids who are coming in for swim lessons are used to seeing like women who are all wrapped up until they like, get to the very edge of the pool. And, you know, how quickly is that ingrained? And again, because I remember, you know, my own childhood, like learning, you know, at such a young age that like, Oh, I'm chubby, and somebody is asking me about diet before I'm even out of elementary school. So really thinking about, you know, what are kind of our motivators not just for like, I want to feel more confident, but like, what is the impact I want to have like, what's the impact I want to have on my friends, to help them love their bodies more on my children or my friend's children or, you know, whoever it might be. And then the other piece of it, you kind of touched on that. It's something that kind of ebbs and flows. And I think that a that's a normal cloud process. But I also believe that's where it's like speaks to the opportunities for consistency. So like if you find those practice thoughts, having a practice that you can practice regularly, so I tell people all the time, I will actually record mine, in my own blog, I'll get like the voice note on my phone. And I'll like say what I like because I'll have like several thoughts that I'm practicing in different areas. I'll record them. So like I'll say the thought and then I'll leave enough time for me to say it again, but I don't. So what I'll do is I'll record it and then like when I'm out walking my dogs I'll play it back. So it's like me saying the thought and then time for me to repeat it. Me saying a thought time for me to repeat it. Or like when I do morning journaling. One of the things I used to do in my morning journal was one page would be like I would write over and over the thoughts that I wanted to practice because again, we're trying to create those new life paths. Ways. And if I've been thinking something negative for 30 years, 20 years, I was on a, I was listening to a podcast yesterday, a woman who was a dietician and intuitive eating counselor, and she was talking about the 10 principles of intuitive eating. And she was asking people, like, how long have you been dieting? And you know, it was 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, 40 years, 60 years, you know, so if you think about depending on how old you are, if you've been for decades of your life, thinking these negative thoughts, if you really want to see those shifts, you have to consistently so it's like, I have to consistently practice the thoughts or I have to consistently walk to the ocean or walk to the pool without my towel, even the times when I really don't want to because it's like, oh, I just ate a burger. And I feel like extra gross and I want to hide, like that consistently pushing ourselves gently outside of are

Samantha Spittle 55:55
so good. That's so awesome. Consistency. That is that's I mean, that's, that's like this the secret, right? It's that consistency. And when we start to veer off, we know, we can just come back to it. So our thoughts, determine our feelings, determine our actions, determine our results. And to start I love that kind of the big picture is almost like a train getting the train moving and having, it's just that little tiny push to the baby affirmations and then recording it so we can keep the consistency. And for me, that's a really huge thing. Because it's like, okay, yeah, I get it thoughts, feelings, blah, blah, you know, blah, blah, blah, it's where my brain goes. But in a bad way, blah, blah, blah, cuz it's the whole I think I know it, but you don't, you know, you need to. So having that, you know, actionable step of the affirmations and recording it, that's something else that I know is so powerful, like listening to it over and over again. So thank you so much for all of your insight, any closing thoughts that we didn't touch upon, for helping our body image and working out that shame,

Becky Upchurch 57:00
I think the biggest thing is just really cultivating your environment. And so this can be your social media feed, it can be, you know, learning more about, you know, if you're somebody who's like, oh, I want to be in a smaller body, because I equate that with health, or I equate that with acceptance, like digging into some of the resources and people who can, you know, kind of show you that, like, you can make positive healthy choices right now, like, you don't have to like, you don't have to wait until you look different, or you feel different, to start living your life. And also just thinking about the people that you have around you. I know sometimes it can be hard if you're surrounded with people who also struggle with body image, and you're trying to make changes. I've had that experience where I've been in a situation where people are talking about their bodies, and their and I'm just sitting there uncomfortably thinking I have no desire to participate in this conversation. And I think it's okay to not participate in the conversation. Or if you're comfortable to even say, you know, I don't really like having conversations about losing weight, because it's not where my focus is. Or I would rather spend my energy talking about something else, or just kind of, you know, I was somebody the other day, they were like, yeah, just, you know, you just change the subject, you just kind of like, okay, great, like, I'm glad glad to hear about your diet. So how about that baseball game, you know, just, it's just because it's been normalized, that we hear so much about dieting, or you know, the the kind of diet culture thing, things that come up, you don't have to embrace those things. And I would also just say, there are a lot of resources and supports out there, give yourself time and space to explore them. And then I think for me, the biggest thing is just kind of having the ability to, to bet on yourself. And I feel like this is in all things, all things mindset. Even the things that feel like they are the hardest to achieve are achievable. I think a lot of times we don't achieve them because we put too much on ourselves. It's like, oh, I want to achieve all of these things. And then if I don't achieve them, or I don't move at the speed I want to move, then I'm going to burry myself or I'm going to beat myself up or I'm going to assume that I'm a failure. Change is not easy. You know, like this is part of what like I help people change for a living. And I'm not saying this to deter anybody or to make anybody feel bad. If it were super easy to change, everybody would do it all the time. It's not easy because it's a process and a lot of times if we don't see results fast enough, we lose faith in the process. And unfortunately we sometimes lose faith in ourselves. And I've been in that situation before. So I think if I could leave people with anything, it's even when you feel like you can't trust the process, because it's not working the way you want. Trust yourself. And just keep trying and know that like, nothing is ever going to be perfect. No goal that you ever go after. Are you going to get from point A to point Z with no stops and no setbacks and no slow periods? Like I just, I don't feel like that's possible. And yeah, I'm sure there's like, you know, famous celebrities that people can point to and say, Oh, but this person did it. Well, you don't know their life. So I just, I think, to me, it's just about even when it feels hard to love yourself, remember that, like, that's always an option.

Samantha Spittle 1:00:50
It's always an option. And sometimes

Becky Upchurch 1:00:52
it's just about figuring out how to do that again, and not being afraid to ask for help. Because there are a lot of people out there who can help you on your journey. And, like, I know, for me, like I do the work I do, because I believe in the power of specifically women to change the world. And I feel like this is a very long winded like final thought, but I just I just feel like it's so important for people to be open to change, but to realize that it's okay, if it takes a while and if it's okay, if it doesn't go the way you think it's gonna go.

Samantha Spittle 1:01:34
Becky, thank you so much for your insight and wisdom. And as you said, You are a mindset coach, you deal with all things mindset, not just with body image. And so if someone wants to tap into more of your expertise with mindset, how can they get in touch with you,

Becky Upchurch 1:01:49
I feel like I'm all over social media, they can email me it's Becky at higher good coaching calm, and that's higher with a gh. I run a community on Facebook called the Women's growth circle. So it's all things growth and growth in a positive way, not in a shaming way. And that's very important to me. And then I have, you know, obviously, Instagram and a Facebook business page, and those are both higher good coaching.

Samantha Spittle 1:02:18
So, thank you so much.

Becky Upchurch 1:02:21
I know I'm like I think the Instagram might have some some underscores.

Samantha Spittle 1:02:25
The links are in the show notes. So thank you so much, and I'm excited to make my own my baby steps and take those baby steps just to start embracing. Feel free to reach out if you need support.